


Four

by rosewritingprose



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, mostly canon compliant, suicide TW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:46:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8872705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewritingprose/pseuds/rosewritingprose
Summary: "He found consolation in the vastness of the cosmos, how small Earth and everyone on it was. He found consolation in the beauty of the stars, in the possibility of extraterrestrial life, and above all in the death of suns, their passing so powerful it sent ripples through reality.""On his own, he was falling apart. The Grand King dethroned."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to my good friend Bya. She requested this pairing with the prompt "death" and all I did was try to do the characters justice. I hope you enjoy it! Comments are very much appreciated.

When he brought it up the first time, Iwaizumi wasn't dumb enough to assume he was just being dramatic. He knew every one of Oikawa Tooru's expressions like the back of his hand. This wasn't theatrical flair.

He put it down to teenage angst. _Of course_ Oikawa wanted to die now. They'd been doing poorly in matches, which he'd let affect his grades, which caused him to fight with his parents, and on a completely different note, he was coming to terms with being gay. He just didn't seem to be happy.

It would pass.

The second time he declared he wanted to kill himself was right after graduation. They were in a parking lot after dark, two barely-adults talking about life under the couple of stars still visible through the light pollution.

Iwaizumi simply stared at him for a while. His best friend had always been selfless to the point of selfishness, withholding his innermost thoughts so as to not burden anyone else. He did not think he would expand on that idea.

He was pleasantly surprised. Oikawa gingerly took his hand and stared up at the sky, not ready for eye contact.

"I don't know what I want to do, Iwa-chan. I don't know what to study or where I should go, because I don't want my whole future to depend on some stupid sports scholarship." He finally looked at Iwaizumi. "I want to have meant something. Is that my pride again?"

Iwaizumi looked away. He wanted to help Oikawa but he didn't know how. He settled for just holding him. In that moment, cradling his best friend, stroking his hair, he felt further away from him than he had in a long time. He whispered reassurances in his ear, he couldn't remember what he said and it didn't really matter. Neither of them were paying attention.

After a while they got into the car. They tried to lighten up the situation. They spoke idly about family and friends. Iwaizumi felt deeply unsettled when Oikawa flashed him a wide, radiant smile.

"Stop worrying so much, Iwa-chan. You'll get wrinkles."

"I care about you." He retorted impulsively, perhaps more aggressively than he would have liked.

In the silence that followed, he put his eyes back on the road and told himself Oikawa was strong, stronger than anyone he'd ever met. He'd get through this, whatever "this" was.

"You... You can probably do anything. I mean, if you choose not to go pro." He offered.

Oikawa smiled, this time genuinely. "What would I do without you?" It wasn't fully a rhetorical question. Through the fondness, there might have been doubt. Through the fondness, there might have been fear.

* * *

They got their shit together in college.

High school had been busy and confusing and it wasn't like they hadn't spent all their free time together anywhere. They had been almost-dating for years now. Maybe even dating if the word was used to mean that neither of them were aware of it.

But then college came and somehow they managed to stay in the same city and they tried to confess to each other on the same day and everything was falling into place. Everything felt so _right._

* * *

Everything did not feel so right.

Once the euphoria wore off, everything was the same.

Obviously Oikawa was happy. He'd been in love with Iwaizumi for pretty much his whole life. The thing was, all the other stuff was still there. There had recently been a death in his family, which had hurt him. His studies weren't getting him anywhere, which was hurting him. The inferiority complex that started when he realized he'd never be a natural prodigy way back in middle school was making him hate himself again, which hurt him. He felt weak and useless. That was hurting him. He was struggling with a lifetime of bottling up all his hurt. That was killing him.

His stress and pain had manifested physically in high school after he overworked himself into injuring his knee. Now, as his health deteriorated, it resulted in chronic aches all over his body. He would have gone to a therapist if he could have afforded one.

He didn't exactly want to die anymore. Every weekend with his boyfriend was something to look forward to. Every kiss something to cherish. Every conversation something to hold onto, really hold onto.

But their time was running out.

Iwaizumi worried about their relationship. He'd been pining after Oikawa throughout high school, but he recognized that long-distance usually didn't last. They wouldn't be in the same city forever, because the same city couldn't contain them. Their days together were numbered.

Iwaizumi was worried about their well-being, Oikawa's and his own. But then again, he wasn't. Oikawa was strong and prideful and wonderful and he'd push past all the things he was dealing with. And himself? He was stoic and resilient and his problems were not only recent but also small. They would go away.

It had started with worry, ironically. The worrying turned into overthinking and stress, he was compulsively taking care of everyone even when he couldn't. Reaching out to save people when he was drowning. He was effectively killing something within himself. He wrote it off as the age.

In the face of all this, when the two of them were with each other, all of that went away. As long as they were together, they could pretend they were fine. In a lot of ways, they were.

That was when the offers started coming. Some people wanted Iwaizumi to play pro. Some people wanted him to take an internship at an architectural firm. Choices had to be made. He had to decide who he was. Who he wanted to be.

Oikawa's life was also changing. He finally lost volleyball. After so much time, he could hardly believe it. As though all that effort had been a waste. His knee worsened so he threw himself into academics completely, trying to be the best at something. At anything.

He was still wandering, searching... Empty.

His meteorology group was going to a conference, something about the moon and the tides and storms and maybe rain. He was invited to go for a couple of weeks.

He accepted.

* * *

The third time Iwaizumi heard it was while he was making breakfast.

He was on the phone with his boyfriend, the highlight of his days. They were making long distance work. Gosh, they never realized how clingy they both were until now. But they refused to let their relationship fail. They'd been through too much.

Iwaizumi had left first, after he made sure it was okay with Oikawa. It was a conversation with phrases like "the opportunity of a lifetime," and "I'm so excited." Of course Oikawa had agreed. All he really wanted was for his childhood best friend to succeed. He wasn't petty enough to pout and ruin something that important. He'd always supported him, trusted him, lifted him up.

Then Oikawa had stayed studying astronomy, the conference having lead to another one about other planets and that was really all it took. It was a childish joy that reminded him of his alien-themed phase, a combination of nerd and aesthetic.

He found consolation in the vastness of the cosmos, how small Earth and everyone on it was. He found consolation in the beauty of the stars, in the possibility of extraterrestrial life, and above all in the death of suns, their passing so powerful it sent ripples through reality.

He was talking of his beloved _astrum_ when he spoke of death again.

Iwaizumi hated it, he hated every word. It burned him up how even though his boyfriend had finally found a passion, he still loathed something about life. He still resented something about his life in particular. It burned him up how Oikawa treated death like a solution to a problem he couldn't see, a fucking poetic solution. It wasn't a solution. It wasn't poetry. It was cruel and twisted and making his stomach churn.

Iwaizumi could have yelled. He could have fought. Instead, he went to the train station.

He spent the night with the person who was still ultimately his best friend.

That trip made them realize their situation. More accurately, it made Iwaizumi realize their situation, because his boyfriend's apartment was a mess. There was no food in the fridge. There were scars on his body. "I needed you, Iwa-chan. I need you. I still do."

On his own, he was falling apart. The Grand King dethroned.

Iwaizumi cried on the train back home the next day. He promised himself he'd visit his boyfriend more often. He would take care of him.

Not that he himself wasn't stuck. Not that the internship had gotten him anything more than a boring desk job that didn't pay enough, not that it came with anything other than the empty promise of an eventual promotion.

Not that he even spoke about his difficulties often unless it was with Oikawa, and even then he didn't want to cause the other man much worry.

And then came the anxiety attacks. Most of them were caused by the prospect of the person he loved most in the world doing something he wouldn't be able to fix. Others came because he needed to be a good role model to the people that looked up to him, he needed to pay the bills, he needed to make his family proud of him so he wouldn't dishonor them. He wanted to be proud of himself, something he hadn't been since his college days.

* * *

The fourth time was also a first. The very first time Oikawa Tooru had thought of only himself. The first time since middle school he'd been fully selfish. The first time he asked Hajime to kill himself.

Anyone who knew him well, beyond his superficiality, would insist he'd never do that. Not to anyone and much less Iwaizumi.

He'd gone to therapy for maybe a year before quitting. He'd taken his medicine for a while before stopping. After a while he just started to ask himself what he was doing it all for. Why was he holding on so hard? Why was he struggling so hard to survive?

It used to be his pride, but he'd lost that a long time ago.

It was after a couple of drinks that he realized it was Iwaizumi. Living for someone else... God, it was pathetic. After the realization, he'd broken down. He'd thrown things and punched something and then drank some more. The alcohol wouldn't let him think properly. The fourth time he spoke of death he begged for a double suicide; desperate, agonizing. He wanted to meet again in the afterlife.

He apologized, of course. He apologized immediately. After it dawned on him what he was asking for, he almost sobbed. How could be possibly expect Iwa-chan to follow him, when Iwa-chan deserved better? He'd always _tried_ to be strong, but he never really was. Iwa was always strong for both of them. Iwa-chan was naturally gifted, but also determined and passionate and dependable and happy. He didn't hate life.

That last part was probably the biggest lie, but Oikawa didn't know that. He didn't have to, anyway. He apologized and hung up.

The next day he called again. He seemed to be nostalgic. He wanted to discuss middle school and high school and even their better moments in college. It was only once he said goodbye with "I'll always love you, Hajime" that Iwaizumi realized what was happening. He should have realized sooner. He should have realized sooner and reacted sooner and not just then on the phone, but way back when they were two kids stargazing in a parking lot.

He called an ambulance.

He ran to the train station.

He prayed. He'd never been religious but he was willing to try. He prayed to every Shinto god he knew and to the Christian one and to the Oikawa family spirits. Somewhere, someone had to be listening.

In the end, nothing worked.

His boyfriend had already swallowed the pills by the time he called to say goodbye. He had died in the hospital hours before a distraught Iwaizumi burst through the doors, choking back tears.

There was nothing he could do. He went back and slept in Oikawa's apartment that night. It was closer to the hospital than his own. He forced himself to break the news to friends and family. He helped Oikawa's parents take care of funeral arrangements: it was the least he could do after he let their son die. He didn't go to the train station.

He was being stupid and sentimental, staying in the abandoned home. He lost his own apartment. Eventually he even lost his job because he wasn't turning things in on time. He was late and distracted and depressed and lacking motivation. Of course he was fired. He couldn't bring himself to care. He hated his job. When was the last time it had brought him joy? When was the last time anything had brought him joy? Had he been living for other people, as well?

He was jobless and broke and living in his dead boyfriend's apartment that he couldn't afford anymore. He was drowning in guilt because he let Oikawa kill himself. He'd lost contact with his oldest friends shortly after college, he had been having anxiety attacks, he was physically out of shape, starving. He wasn't even a great catch to hire because his fucking sports scholarship but "average academic performance" had been what his life had depended on until then.

Oikawa had spoken about wanting to die exactly four times before he did.

"Please be waiting for me."

Iwaizumi Hajime only spoke about it once, before swallowing the pills, too.


End file.
